It has been literally so awful lately
April 7th, 2024
It is insane how awful I have been feeling as of recent. Its as if every single thing that makes me feel awful decided that, yeah, actually right now is a great time to show up and make him feel like shit. The weather is warming, which bothers my sensory issues; school is at its peak of so much work and with only a couple weeks left, I have no clue how I am going to get my grades up; interpersonal conflicts are also happening, but I don't know how to bring it up to them without sounding whiny. It just feels like shit storm after shit storm piling up. I don't know how to talk about it either. URGHGHEUG BLEGH BLEGH!!!
I want to be able to do what I need to be a happy and healthy person, but the amount of work I have to catch up on is making it impossible. I have to prioritize myself or I will not be okay, but that just means when I have the time to do the work I freeze. The thought of even opening an assignment and doing it makes my heart race and my hands shake for literally NO REASON!! The assignments aren't even hard or worth many points!! But, of course, my combo of my neurodivergence and mental illness have decided that if I don't do something perfect I shouldn't do it at all. I just wish I could turn in a crappy assignment and just get a B but nope, not allowed by me or [REDACTED]. How hard will I forever be forced to try compared to my peers? It literally is sickening to see how they can just do things and don't have to think about every choice or motivation. They don't even need to trick their brain into actively doing a habitual task!! It's unfair! But most people don't even recognize the work I have to put in because I do well, I am smart, and I just have learned to not bring it up. Most people don't want to hear about how my brain processes tasks because it doesn't make sense to them. The people who get it around me get it, so I feel bad talking and complainging about it because they also deal with that shit. It has just been such an UGH time recently
It just feels like there will be no end to all of it and I am so tired of having to put up with all this garbage!
I am tired of dwelling on all I can't do and all I need to be able to do, I just want to do what I actually can do! But I have to think of the future and bullshit. Whatever, here is a photo that makes me happy and I hope that this isn't to relatable and if it is then I hope that you get through it!!
